the place where your soul died.

A storm rages in the nearby distance.  The warm air mixes with the cold and swirls around us like a tornado.  The wind licks at my bare skin and teases my hair.  He doesn’t seem to notice any of this.

He stands stoically halfway up the pier from where I sit dangling my toes in the water mindlessly.  I don’t think about how dirty the water really is or how I really shouldn’t be doing this.  Sometimes I forget and touch things that I shouldn’t.

He pays me no attention.  He’s stiff as a board against the wind and I’m afraid of his face.  His ill fitting black t-shirt with some sort of band scribble is pulled up on one side to reveal the elastic of his boxers that rise slightly above his faded jeans that don’t fit well either.  I fight back tears that I don’t know where they came from, and I turn back to gazing at the turbulent sea.

He continues on in this manner for some time.  Hours, it seemed.  It was probably more like minutes.  I clung to my gray cardigan sweater as if it were holding me stable on the pier and tucked the hem of my skirt beneath my left leg a little more.  I felt empty and worthless.

With every second that passes my heart sinks a little closer to my stomach.  If I even have a heart anymore.  To be honest, I’m not sure.

It won’t do any good to speak.  But I want to so badly I can almost taste it.  The salt in my mouth from the ocean spray tastes like death.  I blink to keep out the sand from a violent gust and to keep in my tears.  We really shouldn’t be out here; I’m surprised no one has come out here and yanked us away from the looming hurricane headed for the coast.  I guess they got everyone inland earlier and assumed anyone stupid enough to walk past the double red flags onto the pier got what they had coming to them.

I wondered what it would be like to be consumed by the waves.  It seemed like a very romantic way to die.

They would write about us in the newspaper.

I almost smiled a little at this, but was suddenly brought back to reality by the creaking boards behind me.  My heart jumps a little but he’s only leaning against the railing now because the wind is too strong for even him.  I often think he’s a lot stronger than he is.

My hair whips in front of my face and I turn back to the ocean as I move it back.  I’ve never seen the tide this high before.

I wish he would speak to me.  Say anything at all.  I know I’ve done everything wrong again, but for once I wish he’d just say something.  Just a single damned word.  He never does.  He does this to me because he knows how much it hurts me, not because he doesn’t really want to say something.  He makes me believe I am putrid and I believe him.

Dark clouds move ravenously across the sky, devouring any hope the city had left.  Most people had boarded all their windows and doors by now, and a few had even left town, but we came to this pier right in the middle of it all.

I thought about all the horrible things that I said and done realized that everything that had led up to this point was absolutely my fault.  He wasn’t to blame for this, it was me.  My hands found the edge of the wooded pier and wrapped around the bottom of it on either side of me.  Rain began to mingle with the now constant barrage of wind and sand and I wanted to die.  I wanted to dissolve into the sand and blow far, far away from here.

I sink to one side and pull my feet up from the devilish waters so they lay beside my shivering body.  The rain begins to sting my bear skin.  I think seriously about diving into the water right here and now or perhaps of just laying here until the sea swallows me whole and they find me weeks later swollen and green.  No one will care.

As I close my eyes, resolute and decided, I hear a voice behind me yelling something muffled.  Before I can even think about it I’m being scooped by unfamiliar arms and carried to a car with flashing yellow lights that are dimmed by the storm.

They ask him what I was doing there.  As I float in and out of consciousness I hear him mumble something about trying to get me to safety to the coast guard officer.  They believe him and I believe him and surely he’s telling the truth.

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~ by Mary Christa on February 21, 2011.

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