my heart told my head, “this time no.”

it’s like you’re being erased.

it’s such a strange feeling. quite surreal, indeed, to no longer exist in another’s life. to lose all evidence of a person. to obliterate one’s memory of that person.

I am being erased.

I continue to exist in many realms and realities, but I am denied in others. I have never existed. I am as if I didn’t exist. this can never truly happen, I imagine. somewhere in the conscious I am known. I am real. I live and breath and cannot be forgotten altogether.

my life comes to irony in that it is those who created and shaped my very being that deny it. that claim they do not know me. that I do not and have not existed.

it’s hard to say what effect this has upon me. this is not a new feeling, but neither is it old. I have felt it the entirety of my life, and yet it springs anew. it has always been part of my definition, but never quite so severely.

instead of anger, I will continue. instead of hurt, I will thrive. instead of stronger words or harsher tones, I say with confidence:

you cannot break me. you can hurt me, but you will not get the best of me. I will continue and will love you. you may deny me, but I will stand strong. you may regret me, but you cannot erase me.

I do exist.

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~ by Mary Christa on January 22, 2010.

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