what lies beneath.

“I wish you were never born.”

words that have haunted my life and shaped my existence. words that I have felt too deeply and heard too often. words said by a familiar voice. words written by a familiar hand. words that have become too much of who I am.

I have never been one to reveal much of myself beyond the shallow, public self that I have carefully groomed for presentation. really, I am a rather reserved person. this may seem counterintuitive to the public self that most people know, but truly, I am. I am guarded and really quite reserved. reserved in the broader sense of carefully revealing just as much about myself as given person desires to know. reserved in the specific sense of carefully tailoring a self to each person I encounter. I do not speak openly about much of my personal life, and have generally convinced myself that I prefer it that way. I have always been quite private and self-reliant in both even those who know my raw, earnest self have not even tapped the surface of what lies beneath.

what lies beneath is a pain that I feel every day, stronger now than since I was child. perhaps stronger now than ever before. as a child, I felt deeply and strongly, but simply did not understand quite as fully as I do now. my emotional pain was often set aside due to the gross physical pain which I often experienced as successor to such words. foolishly, I thought these words had become a painful memory; a part of my past, not my present.

I was wrong.

those words that once haunted me, now stab at every fiber of my current existence. and I can barely take it anymore. I just can’t keep holding it in and keeping it together. I don’t want to be a success story, a role model, or an inspiration anymore.

I want to let myself feel without falling apart.


~ by Mary Christa on June 1, 2009.

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